Today, I decided to make you really think about life....... Or maybe it's just to make you laugh a little.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Shit That Pisses Me Off
I realize that you probably don't want to hear about my Top Ten Pet Peeves.... But I'm going to tell you about them anyway. And a bit about why these things piss me off. This way you can either avoid doing these things when around me out of respect, or intentionally do them in order to get on my nerves for a laugh (AKA never hear from me again). So, without further ado:
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Maintenance Ninja
The maintenance man at my hotel is a freaking ninja! WAIT! Before you call me crazy, take a look at the facts:
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The One About 9/11
I didn't know anybody who was killed during the attacks on 9/11. I wasn't directly affected by them either. All I remember is coming to school less than a month into my freshman year of highschool and walking into my first hour geometry class to see everybody staring at the TV. When I turned around to see what was so interesting I saw the second plane crash into the second tower and I remember thinking, "Well, that was stupid."
It took almost the whole day for it to really sink in. Some fuckers just killed thousands of people. For no other reason than "Hey, Allah said so.... or something." And the real tragedy is that we used this atrocity to justify a war against the entire Middle-East.
Sure, at the time, I wanted to kick some ass too. I was so pissed that I enlisted in the army a couple years later actually HOPING I would get deployed. If you know me then you know that ended badly (read: pathetically) with an uncharacterized medical discharge for a back condition..... I, like a lot of other Americans, was ready to blame every bad thing that had happened in my life on Al Qaeda and Afghanistan and Iraq/Iran.
A few years, and a lot of life lessons later, I've come to realize that I don't hate Afghans and/or Muslims. In fact, the few that I know are pretty cool people and don't have any strong hatred of Americans and/or Christians. I let the actions of a few extremists color my view of an entire religion negatively and I sincerely regret that. Shame on me.
Ten years later, I can take a step back and look at things more objectively. And when I think about things this way, I realize that I have a brother, brother-in-law, and cousin who are all active military. And the last thing I want is for them to go over there. That would suck balls.
I won't get into the whole "should we/shouldn't we have gone to Iraq" debate. I have mixed feelings about it. Yea... Sadam was a douche. It's great that he's dead and no longer in power. But was it worth everything we've sacrificed? I dunno... Probably not. I'm sure there was a better way it could have been done. What I WILL say is that we've been there too long. It's time to go. Maintain a presence in the Middle East, sure. I mean we still have a base in Germany from WWII right? But I don't see why my brother's best man had to give his speech via recorded video because he was deployed to Kirkuk. (Wyatt, if you're reading this, the speech totally kicked ass. Loved it.)
I completely forgot what my overall point was for this... But if you take anything away from this, it should be that 1) I love my country more than my Grandma's chocolate chip cookies... And 2) 9/11 sucked for everyone. Even those of us sixteen hundred miles away who are still affected to this day because we have loved ones in the military.
That's all for now. I'll say more crap later.
It took almost the whole day for it to really sink in. Some fuckers just killed thousands of people. For no other reason than "Hey, Allah said so.... or something." And the real tragedy is that we used this atrocity to justify a war against the entire Middle-East.
Sure, at the time, I wanted to kick some ass too. I was so pissed that I enlisted in the army a couple years later actually HOPING I would get deployed. If you know me then you know that ended badly (read: pathetically) with an uncharacterized medical discharge for a back condition..... I, like a lot of other Americans, was ready to blame every bad thing that had happened in my life on Al Qaeda and Afghanistan and Iraq/Iran.
A few years, and a lot of life lessons later, I've come to realize that I don't hate Afghans and/or Muslims. In fact, the few that I know are pretty cool people and don't have any strong hatred of Americans and/or Christians. I let the actions of a few extremists color my view of an entire religion negatively and I sincerely regret that. Shame on me.
Ten years later, I can take a step back and look at things more objectively. And when I think about things this way, I realize that I have a brother, brother-in-law, and cousin who are all active military. And the last thing I want is for them to go over there. That would suck balls.
I won't get into the whole "should we/shouldn't we have gone to Iraq" debate. I have mixed feelings about it. Yea... Sadam was a douche. It's great that he's dead and no longer in power. But was it worth everything we've sacrificed? I dunno... Probably not. I'm sure there was a better way it could have been done. What I WILL say is that we've been there too long. It's time to go. Maintain a presence in the Middle East, sure. I mean we still have a base in Germany from WWII right? But I don't see why my brother's best man had to give his speech via recorded video because he was deployed to Kirkuk. (Wyatt, if you're reading this, the speech totally kicked ass. Loved it.)
I completely forgot what my overall point was for this... But if you take anything away from this, it should be that 1) I love my country more than my Grandma's chocolate chip cookies... And 2) 9/11 sucked for everyone. Even those of us sixteen hundred miles away who are still affected to this day because we have loved ones in the military.
That's all for now. I'll say more crap later.
Friday, September 9, 2011
And it begins
So, this is my first blog post. I mean after the initial post that was basically just me saying "Hey, I'm here." This is the first "for real" post.
Today has been a strange day. I woke up at 4AM and played with my iPhone, watched the current DVD I had in from Netflix (Season 1 of Cougar Town.... If anyone was wondering), and promptly fell back asleep at about 10AM. Woke up to a text from my boss saying "You know you work today right?" at 3:05PM. I was supposed to be at work at 3. Shit. So, I spent the first half of my shift in a half-asleep, zombie-esque state. I don't remember most of it. This isn't relevant.
Anyway, my boss's sister just recently showed up to check into a room that she (my boss) forgot to reserve for her (boss's sister). Apparently I knew her from a long ass time ago when I worked at the catalog desk in JCPenney. She brought this up to me by saying, "Didn't you used to be skinny?" Lovely. If there is a better way to greet someone you haven't seen in a very long time then I haven't heard it. Seriously, who says that? If I was a woman I'd be severely offended. Being a sensible man with a rather twisted sense of humor I just laughed it off. I gave her shit about it of course. It really didn't bother me much but I thought people only said stuff like that in sitcoms.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'm off to purge the meal I just ate so random women from my past won't call me fat anymore.
Today has been a strange day. I woke up at 4AM and played with my iPhone, watched the current DVD I had in from Netflix (Season 1 of Cougar Town.... If anyone was wondering), and promptly fell back asleep at about 10AM. Woke up to a text from my boss saying "You know you work today right?" at 3:05PM. I was supposed to be at work at 3. Shit. So, I spent the first half of my shift in a half-asleep, zombie-esque state. I don't remember most of it. This isn't relevant.
Anyway, my boss's sister just recently showed up to check into a room that she (my boss) forgot to reserve for her (boss's sister). Apparently I knew her from a long ass time ago when I worked at the catalog desk in JCPenney. She brought this up to me by saying, "Didn't you used to be skinny?" Lovely. If there is a better way to greet someone you haven't seen in a very long time then I haven't heard it. Seriously, who says that? If I was a woman I'd be severely offended. Being a sensible man with a rather twisted sense of humor I just laughed it off. I gave her shit about it of course. It really didn't bother me much but I thought people only said stuff like that in sitcoms.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'm off to purge the meal I just ate so random women from my past won't call me fat anymore.
This is my blog
Okay. This is awesome. I've finally created a "blog" so that I can obnoxiously inform everybody that I know of the random happenings in my daily life. I will also post judgmental observations of innocent bystanders here.... But don't worry, they probably deserve it. More to come. Prepare to be mildly amused.
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