Hey, guys. It's been a while. I know. My last post was on New Years Day and that usually falls on.... carry the two....... January 1st! Wow! Four whole months. Well, I'm still working on those resolutions. You should know... I already am more awesome than last year so, one down. Anyway, I thought I'd remind you guys how amazing I am with a compilation of awesome deeds I've already accomplished instead of a list of things I plan to accomplish. So, here it is:
1) I was flogged in a medieval town square for saving a peasant child from a noble. Of course, I had to travel back in time to do this.... Oh yea! That's two resolutions down!
2) I drained a lake with a garden hose to save a third world village from a cracking dam. They didn't make a statue of me but they did hang a portrait of me over the fireplace in the shaman's hut.
3) I uprooted a 80-year-old oak tree in someone's back yard to save a cat. The little girl was pretty ecstatic but her parents were pissed! They were all like, "You cracked the foundation of our home" and "My great great gradfather planted that tree when he settled this area" and stuff. Big whoop guys... I just saved a cat.
That's it for now. I'll be back with more awesome stuff later. Peace!
Friday, April 6, 2012
Sunday, January 1, 2012
My New Year's Resolution
For the first time in over nine years... There are two 2's in the number of years since Jesus' mom couldn't get a room at an inn in Bethlehem. It's customary, I believe, to commit to doing something better or more often or perhaps not doings something anymore at the start of a new year. So, without further ado, here are a few things I've resolved to do (or not do) in TwentyDozen:
1) Try To Be More Awesome - This one is pretty much destined to fail. I'm almost certain that I'm already as awesome as a person can possibly be.
2) Travel Back In Time - This one I know I'll do. I ran into future me a few months ago and guess what? I'm sexy in the future too.
3) Become A Millionaire - To accomplish this, I just have to make good on a resolution I made a few years ago: to win the lottery.
4) Have A Statue Of Me Built In My Honor - I don't mean I want to commission a statue. I want a city or state or possibly a tribe from some third world country to erect a statue because of some heroic deed I've done like.... Diverting an asteroid with a stern look maybe. (Haha! I said 'erect'!)
5) Blow Something Up - I mean... Who doesn't want to make things explode? Plus, by this time I'll already have saved the world by diverting asteroids and stuff right? So, it evens out.
Well, that's about it. Pretty modest I think. Maybe I'll do more in 2013......
1) Try To Be More Awesome - This one is pretty much destined to fail. I'm almost certain that I'm already as awesome as a person can possibly be.
2) Travel Back In Time - This one I know I'll do. I ran into future me a few months ago and guess what? I'm sexy in the future too.
3) Become A Millionaire - To accomplish this, I just have to make good on a resolution I made a few years ago: to win the lottery.
4) Have A Statue Of Me Built In My Honor - I don't mean I want to commission a statue. I want a city or state or possibly a tribe from some third world country to erect a statue because of some heroic deed I've done like.... Diverting an asteroid with a stern look maybe. (Haha! I said 'erect'!)
5) Blow Something Up - I mean... Who doesn't want to make things explode? Plus, by this time I'll already have saved the world by diverting asteroids and stuff right? So, it evens out.
Well, that's about it. Pretty modest I think. Maybe I'll do more in 2013......
Sunday, December 18, 2011
A Missive on Eyebrows
Was just looking at one of those pictures of all the celebrities without eyebrows where they look like alien cannibals. And I was wondering. What is the purpose of eyebrows other than to keep us from looking like diseased mutants.
So, naturally, I Googled it. Apparently their main function is to keep dust, sweat, water and other debris out of your eye sockets. But I've seen plenty of chicks who shave off their eyebrows and tattoo new ones on (that doesn't look good, by the way, ladies.... see above) and they don't walk around blinking all the damn time.
They're also supposed to assist with communication and conveyance of emotion. But then I've never been talking to someone wearing sunglasses and had to ask "Will you take those off? I can't understand you."
My conclusion is that the only real purpose of eyebrows is to make us more pleasing to the eye. So, apparently, we evolved an aesthetic device. Go figure. That's all.
So, naturally, I Googled it. Apparently their main function is to keep dust, sweat, water and other debris out of your eye sockets. But I've seen plenty of chicks who shave off their eyebrows and tattoo new ones on (that doesn't look good, by the way, ladies.... see above) and they don't walk around blinking all the damn time.
They're also supposed to assist with communication and conveyance of emotion. But then I've never been talking to someone wearing sunglasses and had to ask "Will you take those off? I can't understand you."
My conclusion is that the only real purpose of eyebrows is to make us more pleasing to the eye. So, apparently, we evolved an aesthetic device. Go figure. That's all.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Crap That I'm Thankful For
Alright, so everybody (read: a bunch of sappy chicks) on Facebook is doing that thing where you name one thing you're thankful for each day in November. Or maybe it's everyday up until Thanksgiving..... I'm not sure. Either way, I have no patience for it. It's all a bunch of generic stuff like "This beautiful day" or "My loving family". So, I'm gonna knock it all out in one sitting and tell you guys some stuff that I am thankful for that is unique to me instead of the same things that everybody and their mother is thankful for (which usually includes their mother at some point). If you really want to, you can read one a day so it still feels like I did it right. But you'll have to read the first fifteen to catch up first. Here we go. In no particular order.... Well, obviously they're in a particular order.... I just mean they aren't ordered by importance or overall thankfulness but, rather, randomly as they come to me. So.......... GO!
I'm thankful for:
1) My TV - Without you, TV.... I don't know how I'd spend the endless hours alone in my cramped duplex appartment. Thank you for your 42 inches of LCD kickassery.
2) My PS3 - Kinda goes in tandem with the TV. But without my PS3 my TV is useless. Without my TV my PS3 is useless.... So, I felt obliged to mention both of them here. My PS3 delivers hours of pwning gamage plus BluRay awesomeness to my TV's screen.
3) My iPhone - I can do almost anything on it. Play games with my brother and sister, read books, stream my Netflix, surf the web, check Facebook, Google things when I can't figure out what they mean, check scores, check weather, manage my fantasy team.... Stuff like that.
4) My Job - I know. It's a weird thing to be thankful for..... kinda. But I've been at this job longer than any other job I've had, and, even though I don't make NEARLY as much as I should... I'm still glad they give me money. So, I guess I'm actually thankful for the paycheck.... Hmm...
5) Days Off From My Job - Cause I'm not actually as thankful for my job as I thought.
6) Things that make funny noises - Cause, c'mon! Who doesn't love fart sounds?!
7) Video Game Season - This October through January there are so many awesome games coming out! I can only afford to get a couple of them but still.... I love it.
8) My Belt - It holds up my pants.
9) Fleece Blankets - Warm, light, comfy, feels awesome against my naked skin.... Everything you could ask for in a night time companion..... Almost.
10) Clocks - I don't have an internal clock. Without real clocks I would almost never know what time it was. It's not like I can track the hours by the progress of the sun and stars. I'm not fucking mountain man.
11) Clean Socks - Sometimes it's just so hard to find a pair.
12) Label Makers - Who DOESN'T love making crazy labels?!
13) Football - No... I don't mean soccer. Soccer can go wipe it's ass with sandpaper for all I care. August through February are the 6 months of the year that there are good sports on TV. Thank you, Real Football. You make all our lives better.
14) Baseball season - Cause it just makes me appreciate football season so much more.
15) Food - I love food. It's made me happy at all ages. When I was little I had a sweet tooth. Now, I have a meat tooth. Either way, it's delicious.
16) Curtains - They keep the evil sun from getting into my house and doing dastardly things like waking me up or glaring off my TV.
17) Books - I read a lot. It keeps my mind right.
18) Grass - Cause it's funner to walk on than rocks.
19) Rocks - Cause they're fun to throw at stupid people.
20) Hand Sanitizer - It helps to get all the sticky stuff off my hands after I eat some delicious food (see No. 15).
21) Fault Lines - Maybe one day scientists will discover that California is days away from sinking into the ocean and my sister will have to move closer to me with my nephew. Also, people from California are crazy so screw those guys.
22) Stupid People - Otherwise... Who would I point and laugh at?
23) Toilet Paper - Cause.... Ya know....
24) Paper Plates, Cups, and Utensiles - NO DIRTY DISHES!!! Take THAT sink!
25) English - Cause I don't understand when people don't speak in it.
26) My Devistating Intelligence - Cause being smart is awesome.
27) Irony - Devastating*
28) Doors - They're good for keeping people I don't like out of my house.
29) Shirts - If you aren't a douchebag... You should probably wear one when in public places.
30) Anybody Who's Reading This - Cause you make me feel more important than I actually am. And self-importance is central to my personality.
There you have it. Something I'm thankful for for every day of this month. Finished before any of you losers! Don't get me wrong. There are many other things that I'm thankful for. Like my family and love and a bunch of other crap. But those things are much less amusing. This list will, perhaps, give you a peek at the "real" me. Everybody's thankful for their parents! Try to be a little more original. Peace!
I'm thankful for:
1) My TV - Without you, TV.... I don't know how I'd spend the endless hours alone in my cramped duplex appartment. Thank you for your 42 inches of LCD kickassery.
2) My PS3 - Kinda goes in tandem with the TV. But without my PS3 my TV is useless. Without my TV my PS3 is useless.... So, I felt obliged to mention both of them here. My PS3 delivers hours of pwning gamage plus BluRay awesomeness to my TV's screen.
3) My iPhone - I can do almost anything on it. Play games with my brother and sister, read books, stream my Netflix, surf the web, check Facebook, Google things when I can't figure out what they mean, check scores, check weather, manage my fantasy team.... Stuff like that.
4) My Job - I know. It's a weird thing to be thankful for..... kinda. But I've been at this job longer than any other job I've had, and, even though I don't make NEARLY as much as I should... I'm still glad they give me money. So, I guess I'm actually thankful for the paycheck.... Hmm...
5) Days Off From My Job - Cause I'm not actually as thankful for my job as I thought.
6) Things that make funny noises - Cause, c'mon! Who doesn't love fart sounds?!
7) Video Game Season - This October through January there are so many awesome games coming out! I can only afford to get a couple of them but still.... I love it.
8) My Belt - It holds up my pants.
9) Fleece Blankets - Warm, light, comfy, feels awesome against my naked skin.... Everything you could ask for in a night time companion..... Almost.
10) Clocks - I don't have an internal clock. Without real clocks I would almost never know what time it was. It's not like I can track the hours by the progress of the sun and stars. I'm not fucking mountain man.
11) Clean Socks - Sometimes it's just so hard to find a pair.
12) Label Makers - Who DOESN'T love making crazy labels?!
13) Football - No... I don't mean soccer. Soccer can go wipe it's ass with sandpaper for all I care. August through February are the 6 months of the year that there are good sports on TV. Thank you, Real Football. You make all our lives better.
14) Baseball season - Cause it just makes me appreciate football season so much more.
15) Food - I love food. It's made me happy at all ages. When I was little I had a sweet tooth. Now, I have a meat tooth. Either way, it's delicious.
16) Curtains - They keep the evil sun from getting into my house and doing dastardly things like waking me up or glaring off my TV.
17) Books - I read a lot. It keeps my mind right.
18) Grass - Cause it's funner to walk on than rocks.
19) Rocks - Cause they're fun to throw at stupid people.
20) Hand Sanitizer - It helps to get all the sticky stuff off my hands after I eat some delicious food (see No. 15).
21) Fault Lines - Maybe one day scientists will discover that California is days away from sinking into the ocean and my sister will have to move closer to me with my nephew. Also, people from California are crazy so screw those guys.
22) Stupid People - Otherwise... Who would I point and laugh at?
23) Toilet Paper - Cause.... Ya know....
24) Paper Plates, Cups, and Utensiles - NO DIRTY DISHES!!! Take THAT sink!
25) English - Cause I don't understand when people don't speak in it.
26) My Devistating Intelligence - Cause being smart is awesome.
27) Irony - Devastating*
28) Doors - They're good for keeping people I don't like out of my house.
29) Shirts - If you aren't a douchebag... You should probably wear one when in public places.
30) Anybody Who's Reading This - Cause you make me feel more important than I actually am. And self-importance is central to my personality.
There you have it. Something I'm thankful for for every day of this month. Finished before any of you losers! Don't get me wrong. There are many other things that I'm thankful for. Like my family and love and a bunch of other crap. But those things are much less amusing. This list will, perhaps, give you a peek at the "real" me. Everybody's thankful for their parents! Try to be a little more original. Peace!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Brainfood
Today, I decided to make you really think about life....... Or maybe it's just to make you laugh a little.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Shit That Pisses Me Off
I realize that you probably don't want to hear about my Top Ten Pet Peeves.... But I'm going to tell you about them anyway. And a bit about why these things piss me off. This way you can either avoid doing these things when around me out of respect, or intentionally do them in order to get on my nerves for a laugh (AKA never hear from me again). So, without further ado:
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Maintenance Ninja
The maintenance man at my hotel is a freaking ninja! WAIT! Before you call me crazy, take a look at the facts:
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
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