Today, I decided to make you really think about life....... Or maybe it's just to make you laugh a little.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Shit That Pisses Me Off
I realize that you probably don't want to hear about my Top Ten Pet Peeves.... But I'm going to tell you about them anyway. And a bit about why these things piss me off. This way you can either avoid doing these things when around me out of respect, or intentionally do them in order to get on my nerves for a laugh (AKA never hear from me again). So, without further ado:
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
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