Was just looking at one of those pictures of all the celebrities without eyebrows where they look like alien cannibals. And I was wondering. What is the purpose of eyebrows other than to keep us from looking like diseased mutants.
So, naturally, I Googled it. Apparently their main function is to keep dust, sweat, water and other debris out of your eye sockets. But I've seen plenty of chicks who shave off their eyebrows and tattoo new ones on (that doesn't look good, by the way, ladies.... see above) and they don't walk around blinking all the damn time.
They're also supposed to assist with communication and conveyance of emotion. But then I've never been talking to someone wearing sunglasses and had to ask "Will you take those off? I can't understand you."
My conclusion is that the only real purpose of eyebrows is to make us more pleasing to the eye. So, apparently, we evolved an aesthetic device. Go figure. That's all.
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Crap That I'm Thankful For
Alright, so everybody (read: a bunch of sappy chicks) on Facebook is doing that thing where you name one thing you're thankful for each day in November. Or maybe it's everyday up until Thanksgiving..... I'm not sure. Either way, I have no patience for it. It's all a bunch of generic stuff like "This beautiful day" or "My loving family". So, I'm gonna knock it all out in one sitting and tell you guys some stuff that I am thankful for that is unique to me instead of the same things that everybody and their mother is thankful for (which usually includes their mother at some point). If you really want to, you can read one a day so it still feels like I did it right. But you'll have to read the first fifteen to catch up first. Here we go. In no particular order.... Well, obviously they're in a particular order.... I just mean they aren't ordered by importance or overall thankfulness but, rather, randomly as they come to me. So.......... GO!
I'm thankful for:
1) My TV - Without you, TV.... I don't know how I'd spend the endless hours alone in my cramped duplex appartment. Thank you for your 42 inches of LCD kickassery.
2) My PS3 - Kinda goes in tandem with the TV. But without my PS3 my TV is useless. Without my TV my PS3 is useless.... So, I felt obliged to mention both of them here. My PS3 delivers hours of pwning gamage plus BluRay awesomeness to my TV's screen.
3) My iPhone - I can do almost anything on it. Play games with my brother and sister, read books, stream my Netflix, surf the web, check Facebook, Google things when I can't figure out what they mean, check scores, check weather, manage my fantasy team.... Stuff like that.
4) My Job - I know. It's a weird thing to be thankful for..... kinda. But I've been at this job longer than any other job I've had, and, even though I don't make NEARLY as much as I should... I'm still glad they give me money. So, I guess I'm actually thankful for the paycheck.... Hmm...
5) Days Off From My Job - Cause I'm not actually as thankful for my job as I thought.
6) Things that make funny noises - Cause, c'mon! Who doesn't love fart sounds?!
7) Video Game Season - This October through January there are so many awesome games coming out! I can only afford to get a couple of them but still.... I love it.
8) My Belt - It holds up my pants.
9) Fleece Blankets - Warm, light, comfy, feels awesome against my naked skin.... Everything you could ask for in a night time companion..... Almost.
10) Clocks - I don't have an internal clock. Without real clocks I would almost never know what time it was. It's not like I can track the hours by the progress of the sun and stars. I'm not fucking mountain man.
11) Clean Socks - Sometimes it's just so hard to find a pair.
12) Label Makers - Who DOESN'T love making crazy labels?!
13) Football - No... I don't mean soccer. Soccer can go wipe it's ass with sandpaper for all I care. August through February are the 6 months of the year that there are good sports on TV. Thank you, Real Football. You make all our lives better.
14) Baseball season - Cause it just makes me appreciate football season so much more.
15) Food - I love food. It's made me happy at all ages. When I was little I had a sweet tooth. Now, I have a meat tooth. Either way, it's delicious.
16) Curtains - They keep the evil sun from getting into my house and doing dastardly things like waking me up or glaring off my TV.
17) Books - I read a lot. It keeps my mind right.
18) Grass - Cause it's funner to walk on than rocks.
19) Rocks - Cause they're fun to throw at stupid people.
20) Hand Sanitizer - It helps to get all the sticky stuff off my hands after I eat some delicious food (see No. 15).
21) Fault Lines - Maybe one day scientists will discover that California is days away from sinking into the ocean and my sister will have to move closer to me with my nephew. Also, people from California are crazy so screw those guys.
22) Stupid People - Otherwise... Who would I point and laugh at?
23) Toilet Paper - Cause.... Ya know....
24) Paper Plates, Cups, and Utensiles - NO DIRTY DISHES!!! Take THAT sink!
25) English - Cause I don't understand when people don't speak in it.
26) My Devistating Intelligence - Cause being smart is awesome.
27) Irony - Devastating*
28) Doors - They're good for keeping people I don't like out of my house.
29) Shirts - If you aren't a douchebag... You should probably wear one when in public places.
30) Anybody Who's Reading This - Cause you make me feel more important than I actually am. And self-importance is central to my personality.
There you have it. Something I'm thankful for for every day of this month. Finished before any of you losers! Don't get me wrong. There are many other things that I'm thankful for. Like my family and love and a bunch of other crap. But those things are much less amusing. This list will, perhaps, give you a peek at the "real" me. Everybody's thankful for their parents! Try to be a little more original. Peace!
I'm thankful for:
1) My TV - Without you, TV.... I don't know how I'd spend the endless hours alone in my cramped duplex appartment. Thank you for your 42 inches of LCD kickassery.
2) My PS3 - Kinda goes in tandem with the TV. But without my PS3 my TV is useless. Without my TV my PS3 is useless.... So, I felt obliged to mention both of them here. My PS3 delivers hours of pwning gamage plus BluRay awesomeness to my TV's screen.
3) My iPhone - I can do almost anything on it. Play games with my brother and sister, read books, stream my Netflix, surf the web, check Facebook, Google things when I can't figure out what they mean, check scores, check weather, manage my fantasy team.... Stuff like that.
4) My Job - I know. It's a weird thing to be thankful for..... kinda. But I've been at this job longer than any other job I've had, and, even though I don't make NEARLY as much as I should... I'm still glad they give me money. So, I guess I'm actually thankful for the paycheck.... Hmm...
5) Days Off From My Job - Cause I'm not actually as thankful for my job as I thought.
6) Things that make funny noises - Cause, c'mon! Who doesn't love fart sounds?!
7) Video Game Season - This October through January there are so many awesome games coming out! I can only afford to get a couple of them but still.... I love it.
8) My Belt - It holds up my pants.
9) Fleece Blankets - Warm, light, comfy, feels awesome against my naked skin.... Everything you could ask for in a night time companion..... Almost.
10) Clocks - I don't have an internal clock. Without real clocks I would almost never know what time it was. It's not like I can track the hours by the progress of the sun and stars. I'm not fucking mountain man.
11) Clean Socks - Sometimes it's just so hard to find a pair.
12) Label Makers - Who DOESN'T love making crazy labels?!
13) Football - No... I don't mean soccer. Soccer can go wipe it's ass with sandpaper for all I care. August through February are the 6 months of the year that there are good sports on TV. Thank you, Real Football. You make all our lives better.
14) Baseball season - Cause it just makes me appreciate football season so much more.
15) Food - I love food. It's made me happy at all ages. When I was little I had a sweet tooth. Now, I have a meat tooth. Either way, it's delicious.
16) Curtains - They keep the evil sun from getting into my house and doing dastardly things like waking me up or glaring off my TV.
17) Books - I read a lot. It keeps my mind right.
18) Grass - Cause it's funner to walk on than rocks.
19) Rocks - Cause they're fun to throw at stupid people.
20) Hand Sanitizer - It helps to get all the sticky stuff off my hands after I eat some delicious food (see No. 15).
21) Fault Lines - Maybe one day scientists will discover that California is days away from sinking into the ocean and my sister will have to move closer to me with my nephew. Also, people from California are crazy so screw those guys.
22) Stupid People - Otherwise... Who would I point and laugh at?
23) Toilet Paper - Cause.... Ya know....
24) Paper Plates, Cups, and Utensiles - NO DIRTY DISHES!!! Take THAT sink!
25) English - Cause I don't understand when people don't speak in it.
26) My Devistating Intelligence - Cause being smart is awesome.
27) Irony - Devastating*
28) Doors - They're good for keeping people I don't like out of my house.
29) Shirts - If you aren't a douchebag... You should probably wear one when in public places.
30) Anybody Who's Reading This - Cause you make me feel more important than I actually am. And self-importance is central to my personality.
There you have it. Something I'm thankful for for every day of this month. Finished before any of you losers! Don't get me wrong. There are many other things that I'm thankful for. Like my family and love and a bunch of other crap. But those things are much less amusing. This list will, perhaps, give you a peek at the "real" me. Everybody's thankful for their parents! Try to be a little more original. Peace!
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Brainfood
Today, I decided to make you really think about life....... Or maybe it's just to make you laugh a little.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
When does it stop being cute naked baby pictures and start being child pornography? Bow chicka bow wtf.
When somebody asks you "What time is it?" tell them "Now." You'll never be wrong. Boom.
When you're eating at McDonald's, nine times out of ten, a fat person has drooled on the surface you're eating off of. I have no idea if that statistic is accurate, but now that's what you'll be thinking about when you eat there.
A simile is like a metaphor in that they're both analogies. And an analogy is like a sandwich in that I'm making one now.
That's it for now. More later.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Shit That Pisses Me Off
I realize that you probably don't want to hear about my Top Ten Pet Peeves.... But I'm going to tell you about them anyway. And a bit about why these things piss me off. This way you can either avoid doing these things when around me out of respect, or intentionally do them in order to get on my nerves for a laugh (AKA never hear from me again). So, without further ado:
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
10) People who use "your" when the should be using "you're" - It's basic grammar. It's not a difficult distinction. It's understandable if it happens now and then. But I see it ALL THE DAMN TIME! Two extra keystrokes isn't that much to ask. So, you're either stupid or lazy beyond belief. Keep it up.
9) Infomercials - I just don't get it. They must think everybody who watches TV is incredibly stupid. (Well, most of them are... But I'll get to that later.) "Look! This lady using an ordinary dishtowel is frowning and in black and white. That's bad! But look now! The same lady is using our amazing special dishtowel! Now she's smiling and in full color! That's good!! But wait! Call now and we'll double your order and send you a completely unrelated product for FREE! That's a $(big number) value for only $(small number)!!!!" Seriously, STFU.
8) Political Extremists - Something that pisses me off beyond belief. Right or Left, doesn't matter. I firmly believe that 95% of politicians are either corrupt or morons. But the ones I hate most of all are those who stick to the party line with no exceptions. "I'm a Republican so all gays are evil" or "I'm a Democrat so all corporations are evil". It's ridiculous. Bipartisanship has done more to ruin this country that anything else out there.
7) Fox Kansas - They mostly just piss me off today because they're showing the KC Chiefs game instead of my Cowboys. I mean seriously... WTF?!
6) Soft Spoken People - I'm half deaf already. When you speak in a barely discernible whisper all the damn time I'm not going to understand anything you say. I frequently have the urge to slap these people in the face. I'm able to restrain myself most of the time however.
5) Flo - That bitch from the Progressive commercials? Yea... I want to scrape her face off with a belt sander.
4) Customer Service Reps who don't speak English - If you're going to outsource your customer service department to India, at least hire people with a firm grasp on the English language. I'm tired of spending 45 minutes on the phone with Hadji trying to get him to understand what's wrong with my computer.
3) Flies - They drive me insane. To the point where people think I'm having a seizure. If there was some way to render all species of flies extinct without destroying the planet's ecosystem I'd be all for it. Or even if it did destroy the ecosystem. Who really cares about that stuff anyway?
2) When I get my change and the bills are all crumpled and facing different ways/not in order - This is really a kind of selective OCD thing. All the bills in my wallet have to be wrinkle free, in order and facing toward the opening end of the wallet. When I get change back out of order/crumpled up I have to spend ten minutes at the counter straightening and reordering it. I can't put it in my wallet until it's right. Drives me f**king nuts.
1) And the Number One thing that pisses me off is.... Stupid People - To be clear, I don't be people with below average intelligence. They can't help that. I mean people who are willfully ignorant. People who think they know everything but actually know next to nothing. They continually make me want to slice off their eyelids with dull razor blades and shove needles under their fingernails. And there are far too many of them out there. So much for Darwinism.
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Maintenance Ninja
The maintenance man at my hotel is a freaking ninja! WAIT! Before you call me crazy, take a look at the facts:
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
1) He's supposedly Mexican but looks suspiciously Asian.
2) He always wears dark colors... Ya know, so you can't see him in the dark.
3) He drives a Bravada..... Who drives an Oldsmobile anymore? I'll tell you who. A ninja.
4) He doesn't speak ANY English. When's the last time you saw a ninja speak English? WRONG... You never hear a ninja speak.
5) He's got these weird throwing stars disguised as "tools".
6) He's always "fixing" things. Now there are traps laid all over my hotel! I'm certain of it.
7( <----- He turned this parenthesis around when I wasn't looking.
8) He moves completely silently! I never hear him until he makes a noise.
9) I always see him sweeping the parking lot.... AKA Hiding in plain sight!
10) I'm pretty sure that pole he uses to clean the pool is actually a katana.
So there you have it. Indisputable proof that my maintenance man is a ninja in disguise. Don't say anything though. He doesn't know I'm onto him.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
The One About 9/11
I didn't know anybody who was killed during the attacks on 9/11. I wasn't directly affected by them either. All I remember is coming to school less than a month into my freshman year of highschool and walking into my first hour geometry class to see everybody staring at the TV. When I turned around to see what was so interesting I saw the second plane crash into the second tower and I remember thinking, "Well, that was stupid."
It took almost the whole day for it to really sink in. Some fuckers just killed thousands of people. For no other reason than "Hey, Allah said so.... or something." And the real tragedy is that we used this atrocity to justify a war against the entire Middle-East.
Sure, at the time, I wanted to kick some ass too. I was so pissed that I enlisted in the army a couple years later actually HOPING I would get deployed. If you know me then you know that ended badly (read: pathetically) with an uncharacterized medical discharge for a back condition..... I, like a lot of other Americans, was ready to blame every bad thing that had happened in my life on Al Qaeda and Afghanistan and Iraq/Iran.
A few years, and a lot of life lessons later, I've come to realize that I don't hate Afghans and/or Muslims. In fact, the few that I know are pretty cool people and don't have any strong hatred of Americans and/or Christians. I let the actions of a few extremists color my view of an entire religion negatively and I sincerely regret that. Shame on me.
Ten years later, I can take a step back and look at things more objectively. And when I think about things this way, I realize that I have a brother, brother-in-law, and cousin who are all active military. And the last thing I want is for them to go over there. That would suck balls.
I won't get into the whole "should we/shouldn't we have gone to Iraq" debate. I have mixed feelings about it. Yea... Sadam was a douche. It's great that he's dead and no longer in power. But was it worth everything we've sacrificed? I dunno... Probably not. I'm sure there was a better way it could have been done. What I WILL say is that we've been there too long. It's time to go. Maintain a presence in the Middle East, sure. I mean we still have a base in Germany from WWII right? But I don't see why my brother's best man had to give his speech via recorded video because he was deployed to Kirkuk. (Wyatt, if you're reading this, the speech totally kicked ass. Loved it.)
I completely forgot what my overall point was for this... But if you take anything away from this, it should be that 1) I love my country more than my Grandma's chocolate chip cookies... And 2) 9/11 sucked for everyone. Even those of us sixteen hundred miles away who are still affected to this day because we have loved ones in the military.
That's all for now. I'll say more crap later.
It took almost the whole day for it to really sink in. Some fuckers just killed thousands of people. For no other reason than "Hey, Allah said so.... or something." And the real tragedy is that we used this atrocity to justify a war against the entire Middle-East.
Sure, at the time, I wanted to kick some ass too. I was so pissed that I enlisted in the army a couple years later actually HOPING I would get deployed. If you know me then you know that ended badly (read: pathetically) with an uncharacterized medical discharge for a back condition..... I, like a lot of other Americans, was ready to blame every bad thing that had happened in my life on Al Qaeda and Afghanistan and Iraq/Iran.
A few years, and a lot of life lessons later, I've come to realize that I don't hate Afghans and/or Muslims. In fact, the few that I know are pretty cool people and don't have any strong hatred of Americans and/or Christians. I let the actions of a few extremists color my view of an entire religion negatively and I sincerely regret that. Shame on me.
Ten years later, I can take a step back and look at things more objectively. And when I think about things this way, I realize that I have a brother, brother-in-law, and cousin who are all active military. And the last thing I want is for them to go over there. That would suck balls.
I won't get into the whole "should we/shouldn't we have gone to Iraq" debate. I have mixed feelings about it. Yea... Sadam was a douche. It's great that he's dead and no longer in power. But was it worth everything we've sacrificed? I dunno... Probably not. I'm sure there was a better way it could have been done. What I WILL say is that we've been there too long. It's time to go. Maintain a presence in the Middle East, sure. I mean we still have a base in Germany from WWII right? But I don't see why my brother's best man had to give his speech via recorded video because he was deployed to Kirkuk. (Wyatt, if you're reading this, the speech totally kicked ass. Loved it.)
I completely forgot what my overall point was for this... But if you take anything away from this, it should be that 1) I love my country more than my Grandma's chocolate chip cookies... And 2) 9/11 sucked for everyone. Even those of us sixteen hundred miles away who are still affected to this day because we have loved ones in the military.
That's all for now. I'll say more crap later.
Friday, September 9, 2011
And it begins
So, this is my first blog post. I mean after the initial post that was basically just me saying "Hey, I'm here." This is the first "for real" post.
Today has been a strange day. I woke up at 4AM and played with my iPhone, watched the current DVD I had in from Netflix (Season 1 of Cougar Town.... If anyone was wondering), and promptly fell back asleep at about 10AM. Woke up to a text from my boss saying "You know you work today right?" at 3:05PM. I was supposed to be at work at 3. Shit. So, I spent the first half of my shift in a half-asleep, zombie-esque state. I don't remember most of it. This isn't relevant.
Anyway, my boss's sister just recently showed up to check into a room that she (my boss) forgot to reserve for her (boss's sister). Apparently I knew her from a long ass time ago when I worked at the catalog desk in JCPenney. She brought this up to me by saying, "Didn't you used to be skinny?" Lovely. If there is a better way to greet someone you haven't seen in a very long time then I haven't heard it. Seriously, who says that? If I was a woman I'd be severely offended. Being a sensible man with a rather twisted sense of humor I just laughed it off. I gave her shit about it of course. It really didn't bother me much but I thought people only said stuff like that in sitcoms.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'm off to purge the meal I just ate so random women from my past won't call me fat anymore.
Today has been a strange day. I woke up at 4AM and played with my iPhone, watched the current DVD I had in from Netflix (Season 1 of Cougar Town.... If anyone was wondering), and promptly fell back asleep at about 10AM. Woke up to a text from my boss saying "You know you work today right?" at 3:05PM. I was supposed to be at work at 3. Shit. So, I spent the first half of my shift in a half-asleep, zombie-esque state. I don't remember most of it. This isn't relevant.
Anyway, my boss's sister just recently showed up to check into a room that she (my boss) forgot to reserve for her (boss's sister). Apparently I knew her from a long ass time ago when I worked at the catalog desk in JCPenney. She brought this up to me by saying, "Didn't you used to be skinny?" Lovely. If there is a better way to greet someone you haven't seen in a very long time then I haven't heard it. Seriously, who says that? If I was a woman I'd be severely offended. Being a sensible man with a rather twisted sense of humor I just laughed it off. I gave her shit about it of course. It really didn't bother me much but I thought people only said stuff like that in sitcoms.
Well, that's all I have for now. I'm off to purge the meal I just ate so random women from my past won't call me fat anymore.
This is my blog
Okay. This is awesome. I've finally created a "blog" so that I can obnoxiously inform everybody that I know of the random happenings in my daily life. I will also post judgmental observations of innocent bystanders here.... But don't worry, they probably deserve it. More to come. Prepare to be mildly amused.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)